48 Years and Still Counting


48 years is almost half a life time…..and when you are married that long sometimes it feels that way, honestly. You really do get to know someone inside out. You can instantly tell what he will do or say over certain things. For example I put on a TV show I know he would not want to watch while he is outside doing something. I think to myself….”When he comes back in he is going to say “Who put this crap on?” He returns later looks at the TV and says “Who put this crap on?” After 48 years not only is the honeymoon over, I now put those memories in the ancient history category.

You know the honeymoon is over when in bed he throws the covers over your head and holds it down tight, then lets one rip as you gasp struggling to breathe again.

Here are some other ways you know the honeymoon is over:

When you fart in a chair and he asks you to get up to see how big the hole is; or tells you you kind of lifted off a bit with that one……or if it happens while you are walking, he says  “Wow..the jet propulsion there pushed you forward a bit, didn’t it?”

Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket

You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.

When he “lends” you 5 bucks, he expects it back.

Saying “I’ll take care of bedtime” is foreplay.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent Maxi pads is on open display.

He yawns when you bitch about that guy at work hitting on you.

You’d rather spend quality time with your vibrator.

Regarding sex, your get up and go got up and left and you realize it’s time to unfasten the handlebars from the headboard.

Dinner and a movie is now Netflix and takeout.

Your husband no longer jokes about having extra people join you in bed.

He trims his nose hairs as you clip your toenails and neither of you thinks it’s weird.

Candles are lit only when the power is out or when he’s polluted the bathroom.

Clothing optional days now only apply to the toddler in your home.

Besides the list of how to know honeymoon is over, here is a list of signs you’ve been with someone for too long:

When you watch your beautiful wife turn into her mother.

You wake up with messy hair and stinky breath without feeling awkward.

At anniversary times you celebrate still being alive rather than your wedding.

You walk around the house braless and sometimes even at the stores.

Because he doesn’t get out a lot, you sit through his telling his life story to every new person we meet. I keep asking him to spare me and get a bio typed up to hand out to people. Hasn’t happened yet.

You can fart whenever you want without feeling embarrassed.

You leave the door open while peeing.

You finish each other’s sentences.

You can pick your nose in front of your partner.

When your wife requests a golf cart for her birthday instead of jewelry.

When your husband shushes you because the cat is eating and your talking might disturb her……and he pets the cat more than you.

when “In the mood” means …we’re getting brownies

I guess this isn’t the most exciting picture of long-term marriage; but the very things that seem ordinary or even boring can also be comforting through their familiarity. Why would I want to leave him only to be forced to break in a new guy all over again?? That’s a lot of work and we’ve already put in our share. Besides that, he is very good to me and shows me love in many thoughtful ways, so I’m going to keep him til death do us part. Many older marrieds mourn the passing of the days of passion, but love changes, it morphs into a different kind of love, but it is love nonetheless.  Many divorce seeking that fresh excitement with someone new and many find someone else.  Thing is after being married to Mr. Wonderful for awhile they realize they are right back to where they were with spouse #1.  See what I’m saying?

There is a favorite saying I share with engaged couples, newlyweds, and long time married couples: “Whenever you have one of those moments where you ask what ever possessed me to marry this person…remember he/she thinks the same about you.” Kind of gives you a fresh perspective, Si? No?

Is the Bride ready???

On July 25 2017 I was worshipping with other believers at faith sister Donna’s home.  We always have a paper and pen ready for recording visions or impressions the Lord downloads into us.

As we sang out our songs of love and worship this is what I received from the Lord:

“Prepare yourself My precious bride.  Put on your pure white gleaming bridal gown.  Sully it not with any imperfection for I desire a perfect bride.  You are so beautiful and I love you so much.  Our wedding day is soon coming, so keep yourself pure.  I come with rings and a crown of gold and diamonds.  I love to lavish the costliest gifts upon you, for you are my beloved forever.  Be faithful and wait for me……It won’t be much longer before we are joined together eternally! ”

So let us now ask ourselves…Are we ready?  Will we not be ashamed at His coming?  If we are not ready, no time like the present to get ready.  Are we repenting of our “pet” sins??  Repent of them NOW!!!   If we love Him as we profess, He will help us to do that.  May HaShem lead us all into all holiness and righteousness.



If you read the description of this blog, you saw that I described myself as a Messianic Jew.  Whenever I tell someone this, in my mind I see quizzical facial expressions, or a large question mark blinking on and off on the forehead of the befuddled person. Ninety percent of the time, that’s what happens.

To elucidate, a Messianic Jew is a Jew who follows a Messiah who has already come. You could
say that all Jews that believe in the Messiah (whether he has come or not) are Messianic Jews, but most Jews do not identify themselves in this way because there is a spectrum of beliefs as to: 1) Is there a Messiah? 2) Is the Messiah a physical person? 3) Is it a Messianic era that we are waiting for rather than a man? Messianic Jews today believe that Yeshua (aka Jesus) is the Messiah as prophesied in the Hebrew scriptures.

In my opinion, Messianic Judaism is like the Rodney Dangerfield of all religions….We don’t get no respect! Because we do not exclusively call ourselves Jews nor Christians creates an unsettling effect on those two groups and many others. People like to put labels on you so they know what pigeonhole to put you in. It makes them feel safe and comfortable. To proclaim yourself as a Messianic Jew is akin to trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

We’ve heard all the usual arguments…..”If you believe in Jesus, then aren’t you a Christian?” We reply, “No, because we identify with the very first believers who were Jews”. We observe the biblical Sabbath and the moedim (appointed times, feasts)…..Christians do not. We take our cues from the Jewish believers of 2000 years ago who remained true to their Jewish roots and also accepted Yeshua as the promised Messiah. We are not deterred from this faith position by the opinions and lack of acceptance of others. Therefore, we say to our detractors “Get Over It – We’re Here to Stay”.

I have a dream………..I dream of a future day when the mistrust and negative feelings towards us will be relegated to a museum exhibit. I can see it all now…..within the diorama will stand figures of Messianic Jews, huddled together in the center holding their Bibles over their heads to form a collective shield. A group of Jews at one far side and Christians on the other are frowning at them and throwing an array of objects on/towards them. Those looking at the exhibit will say…..remember when it used to be like that for the Messianic Jews….thank G-d it’s no longer that way.
May that day come soon…………..Amen

ONE DOOR DOWN (or Rey Torres Where Art Thou?)

How do you share your faith with your drug dealing neighbor?  Very carefully.  Continuing in our commuter marriage for a bit longer, me and two of our kids were living in Endicott, NY (home of Big Blue-IBM) as I worked for the utility company in a great paying position.   Endicott and Binghamton are kind of post-industrial cities. Many jobs were lost when shoe company Endicott Johnson left.  Like many cities, Endicott struggled over the years as evidenced by the ghost-town like Washington Avenue with its many languishing empty storefronts and tumbleweed-like paper debris blowing around.   Here is a picture of Endicott in better times


Scaling down expenses, we moved to a smaller apt. in a little 2-building complex on Oak Hill Ave.  Talking to a neighbor I learned that a cocaine drug dealer lived in the building next door. We often saw people coming and going to his apartment. Rey Torres was a small-framed but muscular young hispanic man who lived with a girlfriend.  He wore a cap cocked to one side and drove an expensive car.  Once we crossed paths on the sidewalk.  He was heading in with some friends holding a few pizza boxes.  He had a spring in his step and when we passed each other he smiled and said “We’re having a pizza party because my mom is visiting”. His childlike demeanor really touched me – a mother-loving drug dealer.  I concluded he couldn’t be all bad.

I wanted to share my faith with him so he might repent but was unsure how.  Many were the times on some evenings I stood beneath his apartment window, looked up at it with one arm raised heavenward, and prayed for his eternal soul.  I  used to keep paperback new testaments around and gave them away to people as the spririt led. Once I picked up a young married man hitchhiker and he spilled some of his issues to me, especially about his failing marriage.  Pulling over later to let him out, I gave him the New Testament to read, telling him God loves marriages including his and wants restoration and healing for him.  He smiled, got out and started leafing through it as he walked away. I wanted to bring Reynaldo a New Testament but I punked out.  I thought perhaps he would take offense, get mad, curse me, throw it at me, kick me out, so those fears restrained me. This response is what the Bible calls “the fear of man”….fearing negative reactions from others that paralyzes our intentions.    It can be very hard to overcome this fear.  Reminds me of a popular saying “The trouble with Christians today is no one wants to kill them anymore” (for the message they bear).

In the spring of ’98 the word on the street reached me that soon there would be a city-wide drug bust that included Rey (Operation Golden Road).  The day came and the bust went down all over Binghamton and Endicott.  I walked out into a sun-rich spring morning to go to work and police were everywhere.  The trunk of Rey’s car was open and they were fishing around in it.

Later I learned he was out on bail.  It was now or never I thought regarding the New Testament.  I worked up my courage and went to his apartment one evening to see him but only his girlfriend Melissa was there.  No hoochie mama that girl – more like the girl next door. She was a pretty young woman with long chestnut hair and blue eyes. I told her I brought this book for Rey and to please give it to him.  She agreed. I wrote a note to him on the inside cover that went something like this:  Dear Reynaldo…..I so wanted to bring this New Testament to you but feared your reaction.  Please  forgive me for being such a gutless wonder.  I wanted you to read it and be reminded of the things you learned at your mother’s knee as a little boy.  Can’t remember the rest..probably said I would pray for him, etc.

Rey went to jail and a friend who worked there told me he had to tell Rey about his mother’s passing back in Puerto Rico.  I remembered the happy day of the pizza party and thought this news had to hit him hard.  My friend confirmed that it did.  Was all this God’s plan and timing after all?….my initial cowardice? ….giving him the NT after the bust went down?, his being brought low first by the incarceration and later by his mother’s death?  Only God knows.  I don’t know where Rey is now or if he ever came to faith but will look for him in the life to come.  By faith I believe I will find him in that good place.



YASGUR’S FARM (Miracle at White Lake)


          Well, I came upon a child of God
He was walking along the road
           And I asked him, Tell me where are you going?
This he told me
           Said, I’m going down to Yasgur’s Farm,
Gonna join in a rock and roll band.
Got to get back to the land and set my soul free.
We are stardust, we are golden, we are caught in the devil’s bargain,
And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.
     That song was the never-to-be-forgotten anthem of Woodstock 1969….the summertime miracle where over 400,000 people gathered on Max Yasgur’s farmland in White Lake, NY.   That land birthed a city for 3 days and then disappeared, physically that is.  Wikipedia reports:  “It is widely regarded as a pivotal moment in popular music history, as well as the definitive nexus for the larger counterculture generation”.  Its memory lives on in the lives of those who were there.  That is very very true for me.  The memory has lived on and on.  How could it not?
     Originally Woodstock was supposed to happen in Wallkill, NY.  A change of venue moved it to White Lake.  White Lake is a hamlet in the town of Bethel, Sullivan County, New York on the southeast shore of a lake of the same name.  It was so named because of its white sandy shores and lake bottom.  Reportedly in the past, doctors sent patients here to be healed by its waters, climate and restful scenery.
     The musical lineup was incredible:  The Who, The Lovin’ Spoonful, Jimi Hendrix, Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin, Santana, Crosby Stills Nash and Young….just to name a few.
My coworker friend Marguerite R. and I excitedly planned our trip to what promised to be the rock concert of the century.  Marguerite was the quintessential flower child.  Fair porcelain-like skin, straight chestnut hair and blue eyes framed by round wire-rimmed eyeglasses.  I was 23 at the time.   We had purchased tickets in advance (ha ha, like anyone collected them).   August 15th 1969 finally arrived and after work (RCA Records), we piled into my 1965 Corvair with our food, drinks and sleeping bags and headed up the NYS Thruway.
     Chattering excitedly we rode along with all kinds of freaks….hooting and hollering and hanging out their car windows.  Many came from distant states. We all waved to each other, smiling and laughing.  The sense that soon we would be experiencing something amazing was palpable.  We were all pilgrims making our Haj to a musical Mecca.  Approaching our exit a light drizzle portended a baptism into something epic.  Exiting the thruway we crawled tortoise-like towards the festival site.  For an hour we soldiered on in the heavy traffic.  Up ahead a long haired Grace Slick wannabe popped up through a beetle sunroof and belted out her rendition of White Rabbit.  “One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small, and the ones that mother gives you, don’t do anything at all”.  We drove as far as our tired bodies could go, then lazily turned off to park for the night.
     Our neighbors were in a VW bus….in that time the ultimate party camper.  We ate before we left the city and just wanted to sleep.  Unable to sleep outdoors, I crawled into my new sleeping bag and after a long time fell asleep but not as deeply as I had hoped.  My sleep was fitful at best.  The party animals next door had a record player in the van and were playing records all night.
      I woke up in a dream, hearing the Doors and called to Marguerite.  “Marguerite…we have to get up and get to the concert….the Doors are playing right now….wake up”.
Both awake and hungry we opened and ate cans of corn and vienna sausages.  Then we headed on foot to the concert grounds.  It was mid-morning and we walked about a mile.  The fragrance of damp earth and cannabis-laced air filled our heads and soon we were feeling pretty good.  The best second hand smoke ever.  Arriving at the site we beheld a huge field of mud, muck, litter, and pup tents.  I’ve seen refugee camps in better shape than this place.  We searched for a porta potty that was not overflowing.  Took awhile but finally found one.
     Despite those negative images, we also saw a colorful sea of people in tie dye, denim, bandanas, headbands, top hats, feathers and American flags.  Happy toddlers were toddling, dogs were running and barking, frisbees were flying.  Young bare chested men and hippie chicks in bra-less tank tops (or no tops at all)  were dancing and prancing about, unfettered arms in the air, moving sensually as timbrels, drums and pan flutes played.  Hookahs and hand-held water pipes sprung up everywhere and were puffing away like Lilliputian chimneys, pushing up clouds of smoke.  This was the biggest, happiest and most peaceful instantaneous city that ever was.  A life was born and a life died over those 3 days.
     There were no bands playing when we arrived.  In retrospect I wish a band was playing.  It would have lifted our tired spirits and encouraged us to stay.  Marguerite was missing her new boyfriend back in the city and I was so tired.  We puttered around for a half hour or so discussing what to do.  We ached for more food and a nice bed.
     As we left White Lake we stopped at a diner and a nearby radio was blaring out reports about the Woodstock phenomenon.  I realized my overprotective dad was probably watching the news and freaking out.  I got to a pay phone and called to put his mind at east.  Later mom told me he was glued to the TV looking at helicopter coverage of this ocean of humanity and screaming at my mom,  “You mean she’s there…….. at this thing?”
     I wish we had stayed for the entire event partly because we missed the collective experience of enjoying great musical performances  Today it pains me to tell people I was there, see the excited looks on their faces, only to see that fade into disappointment when I say “Well, we were there, but we left”.  It was like I denied them some kind of vicarious experience of the event.  Sorry guys.
     So why you might ask am I going on talking about what I did not see at that historic event.  It’s because of what I DID see.  Thousands and thousands of sweet, gentle people who wouldn’t hurt a fly.  Despite being out of their effing minds on pot, LSD and other drugs, they inflicted no pain, did no harm, shared their food and loved and accepted each other.  Music was the great peacemaker, the binding tie.  That was Woodstock’s legacy…That was the greatest impact Woodstock made on me and the world, never to be seen again in this lifetime.






Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon described in 1973 in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

Historically victims of Stockholm syndrome have been abused or intimidated into developing a relationship with their captors;  a kind of survival reflex.  In my case, this was not true.  Yeshua (Jesus) took me totally captive by His love, forgiveness, mercy, compassion, and acceptance.  I was so taken with Him that after He captivated me, the thought of ever leaving Him was unimaginable.  Like the apostle Paul, I became a willing prisoner of Messiah Yeshua and like Paul, I kiss my chains.

I now wear a bracelet of little connected handcuffs so I can share this story with others who initially might recoil at the thought of any kind of “imprisonment”.   Being “chained” to Yeshua has brought me nothing but love, peace and total joy.  I can only pray that others may grasp the metaphorical meaning of this message I impart to you today.

[ God’s Marvelous Plan for the Gentiles ] For this reason I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles—

yet I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love. It is as none other than Paul—an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus

Cleanse Me with Your Hyssop

2015.  That was the year that was.  It was a year of surgeries, injuries, physical therapy for both me and my husband.  It all started in late 2014 when John needed surgery for a torn roto-cuff followed by physical therapy.  All went smoothly.  In February John had a trigger finger problem.  Again surgery and therapy came into play.  By March my right hip arthritis became painful enough to get a joint replacement.  Regarding aging, if it doesn’t hurt, it already fell off.  John was an angel, waiting on me hand and foot when I got home.  Pain meds comforted me and soon therapy got me recovered.  Well enough to drive, we drove to Rochester in July to see our daughter and family.  We arrived July 1st with our cat Lulu and began enjoying ourselves.  Our son Jesse was planning even drove over from Binghamton with our grandsons  Jonah 4 and Tucker almost 3.

The next day as John skipped down the stairs from our bedroom, he slipped on a lower step, and fell, his cries of pain rang out into the entry foyer.  We learned he had a triple fracture in his right ankle and surgery was strongly urged before leaving town.  It was so bad they  put a metal plate and pins in his ankle.  Now it was my turn to be his primary caregiver which I happily did.   I  wondered will these accidents, surgeries,and therapies ever end.   We finally started home two weeks after we came.  I drove 1000 miles over 4 days, taking care of John and Lulu.  Soon John was in therapy once again.  Our therapist, Jessica couldn’t believe what we’d been through.  While in therapy for his ankle he woke up one day to a severe case of vertigo.  He could hardly walk down the hall without putting his hands on the walls to steady himself.  A few Epley maneuvers soon corrected the problem.  Heard enough?  Buckle up there’s more.

At the ocean one day in August with friend BeBe, a wave knocked me down and I got on all fours to get up with her helping.  I was very overweight and lifting my body’s weight with my knees tore my right meniscus.  Back in the O.R. we were becoming familiar faces at the hospital.  More therapy.  Jessica’s jaw dropped when I walked in for therapy.  I jokingly said we want a memorial room with a plaque over the door with our names on it because of all the therapy we had.  She laughed heartily.  I made progress but knee didn’t really bend like before.

Now in late October I had an endoscopic test and learned I had a gastric ulcer and 3 erosions.  My appetite was very poor and I made major dietary changes.  Although the ulcer is now healed my appetite is still not great and some days tummy is very touchy.  I went from 208 lbs in late summer to 162 in March 2016.

At Thanksgiving we went to Binghamton to be with our son.  We went for turkey dinner with him, the grandsons, his ex and her daughters.  It was terrible.  My stomach was in knots because they could not stop sniping at each other for more than 10 minutes.  I barely touched my food.  We left the restaurant and were saying our goodbyes to the grandsons in the parking lot, I  leaned over to kiss Tucker and kept going, falling forward.  Jesse broke my fall somewhat but I still hit the asphalt with my right knee.  Later my doctor drained 6 vials of joint fluid out of my swollen knee.  We looked at my exray and there was not much cartilage so decided on a knee joint surgery which was on Jan. 28.  More pain meds and therapy for me.  The battle to feel “normal” was like me being Don Quixote battling windmills with wooden swords.

I was totally wearied by the cycle of injury, therapy and lots of staying home, drifting through seamless days that were indistinguishable from one another.  Sick of our home looking like a medical supply store with commodes, canes and walkers,  I lost my enthusiasm for writing, reading, etc. often vegging out in front of the TV.   Although I got out a few times a week to be with friends, overall my life felt like one big  Blah.  My great joy was joining my faith sister Donna’s music ministry team at the Global Pray Center in Daytona Beach a few Fridays a month.  I love music worship.  It’s like a healing balm to my soul.  I sang harmonies and played the djembe drum.   I often sang in the spirit too.  That’s when you sing out some thought or praise about God,  and  you allow the Spirit to take over and sing through you.  Once back home I was back to the blahs, the lack of energy, and the lethargy that tormented me.

I was living with a mindset of sickness and pain.  Largely because I allowed myself to do so.  In late March I began constantly smelling the fragrance of oregano.  I asked “Is a pizza following me around?”  It was especially strong on the Saturday I went to a worship service at Baruch Hashem in Bunnell.  “Did someone bring a pizza for the lunch that followed?” I wondered.  I thought this may be a God message. Maybe God has put me through a time of bitterness (oregano is a bitter herb) for a season, for some greater purpose.  I texted  Donna asking what she thought it meant.  No answer.  During the opening prayer Dorothea prayed which included the petition “Oh cleanse us with your hyssop, O Lord”  “Wash us and we will be whiter than snow”.  Didn’t mean anything at the time.  Back home I researched oregano on the internet.  It comes from a Greek word which means Joy on the mountain.  I thought, well after the bitterness ends there will be joy on the mountain.  I emailed Donna to share these thoughts.  She replied these interpretations were great.  Then she told me oregano was a type of hyssop which in Biblical times was used for cleansing/purification.  She said, “Tovah, God has been purifying you through all these trials you have endured”.  Wow!  that was powerful.  Then I remembered Dorothea’s prayer and it all fit perfectly.  God was telling me just that through her prayer.

I recently returned to the beach (my great love) and sat to write in my journal…the salty zephyrs planted welcome back kisses on my face.  Decided would return there a few times a week.  After the last Inspired Mic and listening to some motivational speakers including a chat with BeBe, decided to use the laws of attraction to shape who I am.  To say everyday I am healthy, full of energy, full of creativity and productivity.  I have been cleansed and purified with hyssop,  reborn, never to return to that former self.


Gods Light2
Throughout the ages many people have had God encounter experiences.  Add me to that group.  Here’s what happened.

In early June 2015 I went to a fellowship group called Wave Riders in Ormond Beach.

We met in a former Bank of America building on Granada Boulevard.  Inside it was kind of dark and cozy with klieg lights

and a stage area.  The group was composed of some folks of mixed ages….a few bore tattoos and one lady was from Denmark, now living in Daytona Beach with her husband.  Christian music played and those who knew the lyrics sang while others did some free form vocalizing, singing in the spirit.

The leader, a tall man with a ponytail led the group.  Everyone knows him as Java John because he works as a barista at the Ocean Walk Starbucks.  Many just call him Java for short.  He was there with his wife P Bear….the sweetest couple you’d ever want to meet.

During the singing  some ladies danced, others sat on their chairs silently worshipping.  Soon we began discussing a variety of Biblical topics which I can’t remember at the moment.

We closed the meeting with a prayer circle.  Java prayed about God scooping us up in His arms like a big loving daddy that He is.  As he said this a vision formed in my mind.  I saw myself being scooped up by my Heavenly Father and as He did this, I leaned in closer to Him trying to use my hands to draw myself closer and closer to him.    No matter how wide I tried to extend my arms, I could not take all of Him in yet I kept reaching and stretching. I pressed myself into Him,  harder and harder.  Then suddenly, I broke “into” Him, entering His very being.  He was all beautiful light like I’ve never seen.  Like a feather riding on a warm zephyr, I floated in the beauty of the golden light.  The image above is the closest I can come to regarding what I saw in that moment.


servanthood7/2/2015    7:30 a.m.  BOOM!  BANG!  THUD!  My husband stumbles off a lower stair and lands like a sack of potatoes.  Cries for help and sounds of writhing pain break into the silence of the front door foyer at our daughter’s home.  Hubby insists something is broken as our daughter counters it is probably a bad sprain.  We immediately embark on a journey for medical attention and soon learn his ankle is fractured in 3 places.  We are advised to see an orthopedic doctor immediately.  We do and discover the injury requires surgery which happens a few days later.

Finicky husband with a fractured ankle….the test of servanthood commences.  Wants and needs hit me like a rushing avalanche.  Nerves crackling like a raging campfire.  “I want this”, “get me that”, “I need…..” and so it goes.  I need the patience of Job and a servant’s heart like the Little Sisters of the Poor.  I pray to God:

“Lord help me to die to self for another’s sake.  I think I am capable of this then realize how I failed so miserably.  Bring me to a place of feeling joy at fulfilling each request.  Would I not do the same for Yeshua?”

I sense Him telling me

“Consider John as Me and Me as John and walk in that knowledge.  Serving resentfully is not of Me….so change your attitude now, lest you remain in my displeasure.  If you ask, I will empower you, strengthen you so you will enjoy blessing your husband.  Remember how he tirelessly took care of you just a few months ago after your hip surgery?  Follow his example.  Many are the times he was more like Me than you were.

I love you Tovah and desire only the  best for you.  You CAN pass this test of servanthood,  but only to the extent of your dying to self and letting Me and My Spirit operate in and through you.  I AM so with you in this.   Let’s do it together.

To that I say, Amen and amen!