THE LONGINGS OF MY SOUL
Another day begins. I first awaken at 4:30 a.m. then go back to sleep. I had a dream but it is not about me and Yeshua so I don't care to remember it. I ache to meet Him in a dream again and have begged Him to find me in the depths of sleep.
Today I(2/23/14) go to the Florida Speaks book signing in St. Augustine. Unsure if John is coming with me. How nice it would be to have a loved one share this experience with me, affirming my success, though it's a small one (I wrote a contribution piece "It's A Jungle Out There"). To not have him there reminds me of when I was a Girl Scout and our troop put on a minstrel show. One skit was about Snow White and the seven dwarfs. I played Dopey. At the end the players left the stage, one by one, but I remained facing the audience. I crossed my eyes and waved until another dwarf came back to yank me off, getting a huge round of laughter,
Tired from a day's work, neither Mom nor Dad were there to see it. Later backstage another mom spoke to me, gushing over my performance, all smiles. She asked about my parents. When I told her they did not come the look on her face spoke volumes. It was like a curtain of sadness dropping over her countenance. It was then I felt a twinge of sadness because that was what her face told me "Be sad" (though not intentionally).
If John does not come, it will be like reliving that unhappy experience. My friend, Pat Andralliski is coming as far as I know and that will be very nice. I will ask her to take some pictures of me and I will take pix of others at this event.
I think I've kind of given up on the idea of basking in John's loving approval (please love me, daddy!) but now and then have a little hope that I will see that very thing. Oh for a long embrace, a little cuddling and sweet caresses and kisses. I don't initiate these things for fear of rejection or to hear him sigh and give me a short hug and peck on the cheek, like he is just trying to humor me. Because of these things, I know Yeshua is my True Husband who floods my soul with unspeakable joy. It is not all that hard to give up on John when I fully realize and experience the depths of Yeshua's unfathomable and unending love for me. I love Him so, so much. This is why each night I ask Him to meet me in my dreams. I look for my Love, like the Shulamite woman roaming the streets of the city in the dead of night, in Solomon's Song of Songs.
Please Come to me Yeshua, please come.